If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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