Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
