tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
