We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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