Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
