Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
