I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
