TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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