Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and she was petting her beer can
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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