I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
