I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
