My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
