I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
