I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
