i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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