God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
