my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
