So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
