I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
