just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
