she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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