my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
