She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
