I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
vagina is talking i cant
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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