Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
