I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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