Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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