someone threw a dead crab at me
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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