i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
