I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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