I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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