I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
