What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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