you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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