why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
