ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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