And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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