And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
