The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We had to coat check the pizza.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
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He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I party with great urgency now.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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