I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
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All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
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you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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