Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
