I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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