she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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