Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
