I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
