I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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