I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
