Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
