glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
