You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
