im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
