My nipple is on Facebook.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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