the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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