cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
