And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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