It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
