Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
