Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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