Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
