If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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